How Do I Stop Comparing What I Eat To Others?
This question comes from Sarah, who writes:
Hi Abbie,
You’ve posted before about the importance of not comparing what you eat to what others eat. It hit me really hard. I realized am always aware of how much other people are eating — whether it’s my husband, my friends, or people I follow on social media. It hadn’t occurred to me that this could be a negative thing until recently. It definitely impacts my own choices about food. For example, when my husband skips meals because he forgets or is busy, it makes me question my own hunger and feel strange about the fact that I could never “forget” to eat. Or if my friends and I are out to eat, I find I adjust the amount I eat based on the amount they eat.
In reading your posts, it’s occurred to me how intrusive these food comparison thoughts are. Do you have any helpful tips on how to STOP doing this? Thank you for any ideas!
Sarah
Before I dive in, here is my usual disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only. It does not serve as a replacement for medical or mental health advice, and does not constitute a patient-practitioner relationship.
Hi Sarah, and thank you so much for this great question. I’m sending you compassion and support as you navigate your way out of disordered eating — and all the comparison traps along the way! Please give yourself credit for the self-awareness you have around your food thoughts and choices. This is actually the first step in making a change, so you’re further along than you might have realized.
I’ve *tried* to answer your question with some structure — starting with the “why” behind comparison, followed by how that connects to diet culture and food, and then finishing with some tips on how to overcome it.
Why we get stuck in comparison:
Social comparison is part of our neurobiology.
It’s human to compare. So, rather than feeling shame and resorting to self-judgment when you compare, it’s important to know that this is a concept that has been studied for decades. There is interesting research on this via the social comparison theory by psychologist Leon Festinger.
In short: We’ve evolved to compare ourselves to others for survival. Our ability to survive depended on our capacity for social inclusion, and comparison is a way of fitting in. While we no longer need community to survive in the literal sense (as our ancestors once did), social connection is a crucial part of our well-being, and actually does influence our health outcomes. Comparison is used to assess how we “stack up against” those around us from a lens of both competition and conformity.
So what’s the problem with comparison? Well, as Theodore Roosevelt said: “Comparison is the thief of joy”. And I believe it steals even more than that: our energy, time, money, and — possibly most importantly — it steals our power. If our sense of belonging is predicated on being more like someone else, that only takes us further away from who we are and further away from our truth. We can never truly belong if we don’t accept ourselves for who we are.
Comparison means that our self-worth hinges on how we feel we are doing relative to those around us. This is where things get dangerous. If your self-worth is coming from external things (via comparison), it’s conditional upon feeling better than someone else. You’ll never feel good enough or worthy enough because there is always someone else out there who appears to have it all.
When you’re looking outside of yourself in order to feel worthy, it’s so much easier to lose touch with your own wants, needs, and desires. Enter: Diet culture.
Diet culture’s impact on comparison:
We’ve been taught that we can’t trust our body.
Does seeking self-worth outside of ourselves sound familiar? It should, because that’s diet culture’s whole game. Diet culture steps in to say: “Here, I’ll fix you”.
When we’ve been conditioned to second-guess our own instincts, it’s much easier to sell us the next “cleanse” or “detox” or “wellness protocol” that promises eternal happiness and self-acceptance. So when it comes to food, diet culture teaches us to rely on the opinions of nutrition “gurus” and influencers (and even “experts”!) rather than to trust our own inner wisdom. It robs us of our body autonomy and the ability to trust our own hunger and cravings.
Instead, it’s taught you to decide how much and what to eat based on what others eat, what others might think, or what the latest food and nutrition trends are pushing.
Picture yourself at dinner with friends. All of them order the salad, but the burger is really speaking to you. You question whether you should get the burger and possibly just go with what everyone else is doing. Even if you get the burger, you’re painfully aware of the fact that the others didn’t. Maybe you compare how much of your meal you eat relative to them. Then, the dessert menu is passed to your table — no one else wants dessert, so maybe you decide you’re “fine” too.
Is this to fit in? Is it to compete? You might not even know. But this is why it’s so important to look at your intentions when you compare yourself to those around you. When we get curious, we create space for self-compassion. We also create space for change.
Sarah, speaking directly to your question, I hope it makes sense why you’ve developed this automatic desire to look outside of yourself when it comes to what, when, or how much to eat. You’re absolutely not alone — I can deeply relate. I felt completely stuck in that place in my eating disorder, as do most of my clients. You’re not broken for feeling this way, and there is a path forward.
Your worth has nothing to do with food or your body.
First, start with taking a good look at where your self-worth comes from. Make a list (seriously!).
Food and body comparison come down to whether or not we feel good enough. You see, if we truly felt good enough, we wouldn’t have any need for comparison. But feeling good enough is very difficult in a world that profits off of insecurities and constantly moves the target of the unattainable beauty ideal.
This is where the work has to happen. It’s about reconnecting with our bodies, standing in our truth, and deciding that we are worthy as we are. We’ve been tricked into believing that our body can’t possibly be trusted, when in fact, it’s quite the opposite: No one knows our body as well as we do, and no one knows what we need better than our body does.
Comparing ourselves to others in an effort to conform or compete is the opposite of body autonomy and body trust, which is what we’re aiming for as we ditch diet culture and reclaim our right to eat the amount and types of foods that feel good to us — mentally and physically.
Eating enough reduces food fixation.
Sarah, one other thing to consider is the effect that restriction and deprivation can have on our tendency to fixate on food. This is common in disordered eating, because when our body isn’t fed enough food, it is biologically wired to hyper-focus on food. Think about a time you have been incredibly thirsty; I bet all you could think about was a tall glass of water! The same happens with food. It’s been my personal and professional experience that when your energy needs are met, you will feel less concerned with the food choices of others, and less concerned with food in general.
How to overcome food comparison:
1. Trust and honor your body’s unique needs.
Our bodies absorb and use food differently. Even if we all ate the exact same foods, our bodies would still look completely different, because body diversity is a very real thing. When you can truly accept this and believe it (which takes TIME and patience!), it becomes so much easier to focus on your own needs and your own food, rather than making food choices based on those around you. Hunger and energy needs vary person to person, and you don’t need someone else’s permission to eat. Ever.
2. Remember that what someone else eats has nothing to do with you.
This is intellectually easy to grasp (of course, rationally we know that what someone else puts in their mouth will never impact us!), but emotionally it’s very difficult to apply.
So I suggest asking yourself: What am I afraid will happen if I eat what I want rather than what someone else is eating? What am I afraid will happen if I eat more or differently than my friend? Why am I trusting what someone else eats over what I prefer and have access to?
Trust that you are the expert of your own body, and that your choices are supposed to honor your body’s needs — not someone else’s.
3. Avoid making assumptions about someone else’s relationship with food.
You never know what is going on with someone else and their relationship with food, so don’t let your assumptions run the show. Comparison often blinds us to the fact that we are assuming things about a person’s mindset, health, happiness, and life in general that we simply don’t know are true.
Ask yourself: “What assumptions am I making about the person I am comparing myself to?”.
For example, let’s take your friend that orders the salad at dinner. Could they be ordering it just because they truly want to? Sure. Could they also be struggling with body image? Absolutely. Could they have a disordered relationship with food? Yes. The point is not to make negative assumptions, but it’s that when you automatically make the assumption that this person is so “good” and “disciplined” and “healthy”…you don’t have that information.
By ordering the burger when you want it, you actually set a beautiful example of self-respect and what it looks like to have confidence in what your body wants and needs.
You have to make choices from a place of YOUR truth, YOUR wellbeing, and YOUR preferences.
4. Focus on body kindness instead of body control.
More often than not, if we’re stuck in the diet mentality, we’re still holding onto some hope of controlling our body through the foods we eat. (Understandable in this wild diet culture we live in).
You might find yourself looking to others to assess what they’re eating as a means of control. Maybe it feels like comparison will provide a benchmark or validation for what you eat; as if that will keep you safe, accepted, and happy.
But ignoring and denying your needs is not the path to fulfillment. Not trusting yourself is a form of self-abandonment, and it’s not rooted in kindness or compassion. It’s rooted in people-pleasing, perfectionism, and self-criticism (all things we’ve been conditioned to feel and do!).
So again, none of this comparison stuff is your fault. Or my fault. Or anyone’s fault. It’s how we’ve evolved and what we know to be safe.
The most important work you can do to release comparison around food is to spend time unlearning the idea that you *should* control your body, or that you *should* look a certain way, or that there is a *right* way or amount to eat.
Ultimately, making peace with food and learning to eat intuitively is what will free you from the food comparison trap. When you are making choices from a place of autonomy, enjoyment, self-care, pleasure, and convenience, it becomes unnecessary to consider what others are eating before listening to your own instincts. When you deeply trust your instincts with food, you have no use for comparison.
Your body is unique. You are perfectly you, and that is your superpower.
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Thank you again for this great question, Sarah! I encourage you to reach out to someone who can help support you on this journey, because there are so many bumps along the way. I think you are asking the right questions, and you clearly have some amazing self-awareness around this — that is going to take you very far.
I hope this was helpful. Thank you for writing in!
xo, Abbie